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Music: Strictly Come Dancing Theme
Bruce: Please welcome our next couple to the dance floor, doing the Viennese Waltz David Cameron and his partner Nick Clegg!
Music: (in waltz time): If you don’t know me by now
Music fades down so we hear their conversation.
Nick: David, you’re treading on my toes!
David: No Nick, you’re treading on my toes!
Nick: David, you’ve been treading on my toes constantly during this competition. I wonder if you actually know in which direction you are going!
David: I’m going to the right!
Nick: No! Here we need to go to the centre! (Huffs) There we go!
David: And we will keep this centre position until … now (Huffs) Back in the correct direction now.
Nick: We need to go the centre now! (Huffs) For the vote on the green tax. And now to the right for the tuition fees. (Huffs) And now a left for the vote on AV! (Huffs)
David: And back to the right for the EU debate. (Huffs)
Bruce: If you don’t know David by now Nick you’ll never … wait for it… you’ll never ever know him at all! (Polite groans) Bruno! Over to you first!
Bruno: Nic-o-las! I am-a so sorry for-a you! If you had been-a in-a Italy you-a would-a have-a been-a completely going-a to-a the right!
Craig: Daaarrrling! I couldn’t have agreed more! It seems to me Nick that you can’t decide if you need to direct to the left or to the right, and when you do one decides and the other goes elsewhere. Your footwork is all over the place, and David the timing of your decisions relates to events and not to the music!
Darcey: Yah! Totally! You know! Whatever!
Craig: A complete dis-ar-star!
Len: Well it’s all very good looking very pretty isn’t it but I could see no direction, no style, no substance. Lots of fancy twirls and twists, but it’s not strictly dancing you know. No chance of a SEV-ERN between the four of us.
David: Oh don’t bring that … (fades)