'Jocasta! Darling it's me! I can't get through the tunnel to the supermarket. There's been an accident. I could go the long way!'
'Horatio, don't do that it will take an age. Jonquil and Dido will be here in two hours, and they've got Uncle Rupert with them. He's 96 and not written his will yet. Worth a squillion, so we have to impress him! Where are you?'
'On the road through that dreadful industrial estate!'
'You are going to have to go into that big supermarket on the left.'
'You mean the one the poor people go to! And the working classes!'
'It does well enough for that couple three doors down. They seem to find everything they need.'
'Those bloody teachers! Always got to be down with the people!'
'Well it's that or nothing Horatio, and if Christmas doesn't happen I will be making sure there is one little chipolata on a plate!'
'OK darling, what ever you say, but keep in the phone. You are going to have to guide me through this one.'
'Go to the parent and child spaces. You have got Spartacus with you haven't you?'
'Oh yes he is in the back! Hang on though. There are some real ruffians there with buckets and sponges. What are they up to?'
'They want to clean your windscreen for a ridiculous amount of money with dirty water that has been hanging around all day. Just walk past them!'
'Doing that darling. Oh they have the most ghastly Liverpudlian accents! I don't suppose they've seen a 4x4 where they come from unless it says 'Police' on the roof!'
'Keep your voice down Horatio! Unless you want your wheels stolen or something dreadful left on the back seat.'
'I'm going in now. It looks like the fruit and vegetables are straight ahead. They have no kumquats! Can you believe no kumquats!'
'Well look for mandarins, or clementines! Something vaguely orange coloured!'
'Like this woman in the shell suit in front of me! I think I can see most of the vegetables. What is that Spartacus? You need a pooh? Not now please! Oh too late, but at least it might mask the smell of the great unwashed!'
'Head for the butchery aisle next. We need veal cutlets! And lamb shanks.'
'Excuse me my good man! Can you tell me where I might find the veal? It is meat. No it's young cow! Never mind! Lamb shanks? No. I am unfamiliar with 90s gangsta rappers myself. More of a Mozart man if you see how I'm hanging!'
'Try the frozen section if you get desperate!'
'I'm heading to the drinks now. Oh Spartacus don't squirm! You are quite pungent aren't you. Have you been at mummy's lentil rissoles again? Is it unoaked Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc that Dido prefers?'
'Either! And some Chablis for Jonquil.'
'What's this? Blue Nun, Black Tower? We used to squirrel that away in the tuck box and hide it from matron. Do they still make that? Do you have Chablis? No I wouldn't like an orange WKD you pleb!'
'Plebian Horatio! Plebian! It sounds like a compliment!'
'Sorry! I wouldn't like an orange WKD you plebian! Yes it might be a Doctor Who monster!'
'For heaven's sake Horatio! At least get some bread!'
'Is this square shaped stuff bread! I've never seen this before! Hot dog buns! Finger rolls! Darling I am at a loss here! Oh thank heavens there is that awful teacher couple! I will just have to act nice for a change! Speak to you from the car park!'
'Hello Darling! Me again. John and Lesley were most helpful!'
'John and Lesley! The teachers from three doors down!'
'James and Liz! I know we don't mix in their circle but at least try to get their names right!'
'That's why they gave me funny looks. Thought it was Spartacus's deposits! They kept giggling as we were going around. He told me he knew that proletarians were those choux pastry balls with cream and chocolate. We don't give them enough credit! They really do have some class, despite what they do for a living! I had to substitute a few things off the list!'
'Do tell Horatio! This had better be good!'
'There was no Bleu d'Auvergne, not even Camembert, but I've got these delightful soft cheeses in little triangles and something interesting in a tube!'
'No! But apparently pickled onion Monster Munch is just as good!'
'Coffee? I must have my macchiato?'
'Own brand instant is all the rage it seems!'
'Pecan and Maple liqueur? Surely a Bailey's? At least I can disguise that with some cocoa and a dash of the Irish!'
'Apparently they do some great ones inside miniature chocolates!'
'Dry roasted peanuts!'
'Scallops nestled in Prosecco-infused couscous?'
'Fingres de poisson en pain blanc avec coulis des tomates is something we must try!'
'Fishfinger sandwich in white bread with tomato ketchup is a dirty meal for dirty people! Now Horatio! I am going to read you five items from the list! You are going to tell me what you have instead! I may not be happy!'
'Prosciutto, bruschetta, tapenade, prosecco, smoked eel!'
'I don't like the sound of that!'
'Ham in a tin! With a magic key! Mighty White! Cheese and Ham Toast Toppers! Babycham! Tin of pilchards! Happy!'
'Horatio! Put it this way! Guest room for you until new year!'